Tuesday, March 13, 2007

...and also because New Year's with FRANK was..

So this is it. I wouldn't know how to look for a man anyway. When I go to Safeway, I head straight for the produce section (complete waste of money, since it all just rots away in the fridge) and the frozen food section for my Morningstar sausages. I am a focused woman. I know what I want. I'm determined, tenacious. I know they are looking at me. What are they thinking? Do I walk funny? Does that guy think I can't tell he is looking at me? Is he single? How can I tell? What if he is married and he is looking at me? Dirtbag.

There is a guy in my office who I've always been attracted to. And I'm not usually attracted to people, believe me. I've only REALLY been attracted to THREE people in my whole life. They ought to perform testing on me, I'm such a unique individual. And no, I'm not taking any anti-depressants.

But I can't seem to do anything but act like a nitwit around him. Even if I acted like GracefuckingKelly, I'm not sure I ought to be seeing him anyhow, so why the hell am I attracted to him?

Why can't we ONLY be attracted to people who are GOOD for us?

He is divorced with two little kids. We have lots of crap in common, but it seems childish to list it all. What stands out most about him is the time we were avoiding working by discussing what we each *hated* about our exes, and he said that his wife "swindled" him by having $40,000 in student loans when they got married. That he had to pay off. I wondered why the hell he felt such urgency to pay them off, but I also wondered if I ought to ever mention that I, myself, have $40,000 in student loans as well. I can just see it: It's Valentine's Day. We are at the top of the Eiffel Tower. He gets down on one knee, and proposes. I say, "Oh, YES, YES! But first I want to tell you about the $40,000 in student loans I have." And he slaps his forehead like those old V-8 commercials or Jackie Gleason on the Honeymooners.

But I decided to keep quiet for the time being because is it REALLY any of his business how much I owe in student loans? Plus, he has two kids. So doesn't that cancel out my student loans? Anyway.

It was New Year's Eve. Guy had invited me over to his house to "watch movies," since neither one of us has a life. Also, I was on call that night and the next day, so no drinking for
MH. I had spent the day at my friend's house. We had a great time, but around the time I was to leave for Guy's house, friend's husband got a flat tire. It was a big mess. The spare tire had been taken out and put in the garage the day before, so we had to bring the damn thing to him. I was late getting to Guy's house.

I was a little bit nervous. I hate using the name Guy. I want to use Frank. When I got to Frank's house, he had gone to the store and bought all sorts of snacks. Also lots of liquor. He knew I like wine, but he didn't know what kind, so he got several kinds. Plus beer and other crap. I do not know why I was so nervous, but I was.

Maybe it was because I was not used to being in a man's house. I'd been with X for 7 years, and he'd only ever been in MY house, seeing as how he never really HAD one.

had even gone and picked out a bunch of movies. We settled down on his sectional, him a bit too close to me for my taste, especially when it's a damn sectional. The first movie was fine. Second movie was REALLY bad. It had Ed Norton in it, and I know I had once said I thought he was a good actor. But he isn't. He was trying to play a character a good 15 years younger than he REALLY is, and in the first scene of the movie, he's fucking some 13 y.o. character. I was completely traumatized, I must say. So Frank turned that movie off. Then he put a movie about some gross red-necked cable guy. I don't know the whole story about this character, but it was just a ridiculously brainless type of humor. You know, farts and burps and scorned fat women.

At 11:58 pm, I decided to get the hell out of there. I thought, wtf are you doing, MH?? You have to work with this guy, and I'm sensing that if you have to give him that midnight kiss, things might get complicated. Not to mention those two children he has stashed somewhere. I'm a jerk, but I just had to leave. I gave some flimsy excuse about traffic and took off. I hadn't eaten so much as a Dorito, and hadn't swallowed so much as an ounce of water. Or anything else.

So now Frank steers clear of me. Sigh.

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