understanding social problems

A second ago, I glanced at one of my book cases and of course this old text book, above named, caught my attention. Should I read it again? It's probably outdated and I'm quite sure none of those authors understand my problems.

Problem #1: I am so sick of my job. No longer do I find it fulfilling. In fact, everybody irks me to no end. I find myself making cynical "jokes" that even I don't bother laughing at. I'm not trying to be funny anymore.

Problem #2: Not that I'm desperate for a relationship or anything, but it just occurred to me that my main man happens to be Merriweather Lewis, as characterized by that most romantic of all writers, Stephen Ambrose. Talk about steamy.

Problem #3: I'm also sick of my job because I seem to do nothing but work. How about a vacation? Well, let's see here. I can afford to go maybe thirty miles. In that case, I could make it to one of our friendly local casinos, where I would promptly be relieved of my $20 "spending money." I'd be back to work within a day.

Problem #4: I suspect Merriweather Lewis has some sort of opium addiction, but we'll have to see about that.

Problem #5: FRANK loaned the Merriweather book to me. He thought I'd like it.

And you thought only women knew how to use the back burner

No, dear reader. I have not been obsessing about or stalking Frank, who is referred to around here a little bit, admittedly. I have used him as a character to my friends who do not work with me, and yes, I have spent many hours thinking about how wonderful life would be *if* he weren't such a nerd, if he had more spine, if he had a better sense of humor, were a *tad* bit wicked (not in an unhygienic perverted way), if he were more enjoyable to be around. But alas, he is none of the above.

Around about March, Frank returned some books to me. He left them on my desk. I asked my brother what that's supposed to mean. He said, quite matter-of-factly, that Frank must have a new lady in his life. I laughed it off. Please. Nobody could put up with him. Right?

Fast Forward to several weeks ago, when Frank slyly mentioned his "friend," who he referred to as "her" and "she," leading me to suspect that he did, in fact have a lady friend. But, it's just his FRIEND, I reasoned. Otherwise he would have said, my GIRLFRIEND. Right?

Fast forward again to my birthday, which I hardly enjoy discussing, especially when I am charged with the unpleasant business of exposing one man's scheme. For weeks, I had plans with a good friend from the office (Agnes) to have dinner and a couple drinks after work that night. Day of, Frank approached me and wished me a happy day. I thanked him kindly and continued with my work, as I would be expected to do, since Frank has taken to largely ignoring poor old aging MH lately. But no, not this time. Frank said, "Have you decided where Agnes and I are going to take you for dinner tonight?" Of course I was dumbfounded. I replied that I wasn't aware that Frank wanted to come along, but he was absolutely welcome to do so, provided nobody try to "take me out." Frank chuckled. "Alright, then, we'll see you at 6:30."

Why, I wondered, was Frank suddenly being nice to me again? Did he finally forgive the New Years Eve disaster? Was he planning on introducing me to his "lady friend?" Why the hell would he invite her along? As per my new therapist's advice, I decided not to obsess about questions I couldn't possibly answer, and forgot about the whole thing.

Dinner time rolled around, and Agnes arrived. We all decided to try out a new Japanese restaurant, since Frank had already, as he put it- scoped it out- and there were "probably" some vegan selections. All I wanted was a beer, and thankfully it turns out that's exactly what I got! Over the course of our interesting dinner conversation, Agnes innocently questioned Frank about what he has been up to lately. He ho-hummed around while I sipped my beer and disinterestedly inspected the light fixture above the beer cooler. After getting nowhere, Agnes coyly said, "Oh. Frank! Oops! Didn't MH know about Erica? MH; didn't you know Frank had a girlfriend?" I smiled ever so nicely, and responded that I was happy to hear his good news. "Tell me all about her," I said, as politely as I could manage. Why not tell me? I'm only one year OLDER today, you know, one year CLOSER to barrenness and all. Just go ahead and tell me all about how you have found your perfect mate and you are planning a fall wedding because she's knocked up. Go for it.

But it turned out that Frank had news that was not so wonderful. His new love, it seemed, was not meant to be. Erica's dog peed on Frank's foot and Erica (being a psychologist) did not like his response. She thinks his communication style is all wrong.

Erica may have a point, there. And I like her dog, too.

Frank FINALLY finds a woman - not me.

Frank mentioned previously in March and namely here.

He's a bit of a wimp. I'm sure glad Frank has a new woman. I knew something was up, because all of a sudden, he began to ignore me. I have seen this before too many times not to recognize it. In a way, it's very admirable. If I were dating a guy, I would hope that all the chicks at work or at the gym who he constantly attempts to bed would suddenly cease to exist. Yes, at first I was confused. Then I was annoyed. We women are very superficial. We like attention, what can I say? I'm used to getting attention too, probably because I am the youngest child and I got ALL the attention growing up.

Truth be told, I don't have to do anything to get attention from men if I'm in a room with a bunch of co-workers. For example, when I attend training there are usually 50 or so people around who I have never seen before. Half are guys. Most are married. Married guys are friendly just like single guys. When it comes to the single guys, I notice that since I tend to ignore all men, only the most aggressive of them actually approach me. Most of them usually have huge egos. I can't stand men with huge egos. So I hardly make lifelong friends at training. I get along with other women, unless they think they are in competition with me for men's attention. I refuse to compete, but I also refuse to befriend women who compete for men's attention.

But anyhow, Frank was acting strangely. I wondered if he had been seeing someone. But then I thought, "Nah! Who?! He's so...... " and I mentally explored everything wrong with him. Then today, he just HAD to drop it in during a four-way conversation. He and a "friend," "she," and "her." Gotcha. It was a very calculated move. I think that Frank thinks that he is getting some kind of revenge on me for the New Year's Eve debacle. I understand his need, but I don't think it's fair. Still, I am happy for Frank if he is getting some. I think it's been a long time.

in which Frank struts his stuff

Frank's the guy in my office who doesn't want me to forget that I am a miserable dumbass at times. If he would just leave me alone, everything would be fine. But ooh no. Maybe I'm an idiot, though. I probably am. I'm an idiot.

Frank went on vacation without even telling me. I got to my desk and on my laptop are two books he borrowed like a YEAR ago. I thought he'd donated them to hell and I wouldn't see them for a pretty long time. When a coworker mentioned that he was on vacation, I asked where he went. "Nowhere," she said. "He's just going to work on his yard." I know. It's none of my business what the guy does, right? Right.

I just can't figure out when I'm supposed to give a fuck about what he does. Sometimes he won't leave me alone. He wants to tell me ALL about what a goddamn historian he is, and how he should have been a history teacher. He can go on for hours about that. I'm supposed to LISTEN to that crap! And I do, too!

I don't give him a cold stare every time he makes a comment about my looks or how happy he is that I decided to come in that day, or when he asks me to take lunch with him. No, I laugh good-naturedly because I really do like him. If I didn't, I'd tell him to go fuck himself next time he BEGS me not to cut my hair. I'd throw my elbow at his groin next time he comes over to me and touches my arm while he makes a statement about the printer acting up.

I did make a mistake on New Year's Eve. I guess I bruised his pride or something, who the hell knows, because he's a man, and I have never been able to understand any of them.

Today, he's strutting around our office like he got one over on me. I said that I hoped he had enjoyed his vacation. "OOOOOOOhhhh I DID.... Yeah, I just worked on the yard, (sniff) got some boulders back there, little landscaping." I said that sounded fine, just fine, and it all probably looks so much better now, he must be feeling a grand sense of accomplishment about the whole thing. Yeah, he said, he did. It was just relaxing, ya know. Yeah. I turned BACK around to my WORK, because if he thinks I'm doing anymore fishing for attention, he is wrong, wrong, wrong.

"So, MH. What did you do last week? I probably should have given you a call to see if you wanted to catch a movie or something, geeeeez, I'm sorry." Come on, now. Why can't Frank just leave me alone? Have you ever heard of a guy who has been flirting shamelessly for almost a year, he has ZERO action anywhere else in his life, but can't come out and say what he REALLY thinks? It's so frustrating.

This was my cue to say something like, Oh, yeah you should have caaaaalled me. But it's time for me to take a stand. I'm not going to whine around ( him ) when he oh geeeeeeez doesn't call me. I simply said, "Okie dokie, I've got so much work to do out in the field! I'll see you tomorrow!" And gave him one of my ever-so-friendly smiles.

...and also because New Year's with FRANK was..

So this is it. I wouldn't know how to look for a man anyway. When I go to Safeway, I head straight for the produce section (complete waste of money, since it all just rots away in the fridge) and the frozen food section for my Morningstar sausages. I am a focused woman. I know what I want. I'm determined, tenacious. I know they are looking at me. What are they thinking? Do I walk funny? Does that guy think I can't tell he is looking at me? Is he single? How can I tell? What if he is married and he is looking at me? Dirtbag.

There is a guy in my office who I've always been attracted to. And I'm not usually attracted to people, believe me. I've only REALLY been attracted to THREE people in my whole life. They ought to perform testing on me, I'm such a unique individual. And no, I'm not taking any anti-depressants.

But I can't seem to do anything but act like a nitwit around him. Even if I acted like GracefuckingKelly, I'm not sure I ought to be seeing him anyhow, so why the hell am I attracted to him?

Why can't we ONLY be attracted to people who are GOOD for us?

He is divorced with two little kids. We have lots of crap in common, but it seems childish to list it all. What stands out most about him is the time we were avoiding working by discussing what we each *hated* about our exes, and he said that his wife "swindled" him by having $40,000 in student loans when they got married. That he had to pay off. I wondered why the hell he felt such urgency to pay them off, but I also wondered if I ought to ever mention that I, myself, have $40,000 in student loans as well. I can just see it: It's Valentine's Day. We are at the top of the Eiffel Tower. He gets down on one knee, and proposes. I say, "Oh, YES, YES! But first I want to tell you about the $40,000 in student loans I have." And he slaps his forehead like those old V-8 commercials or Jackie Gleason on the Honeymooners.

But I decided to keep quiet for the time being because is it REALLY any of his business how much I owe in student loans? Plus, he has two kids. So doesn't that cancel out my student loans? Anyway.

It was New Year's Eve. Guy had invited me over to his house to "watch movies," since neither one of us has a life. Also, I was on call that night and the next day, so no drinking for MH. I had spent the day at my friend's house. We had a great time, but around the time I was to leave for Guy's house, friend's husband got a flat tire. It was a big mess. The spare tire had been taken out and put in the garage the day before, so we had to bring the damn thing to him. I was late getting to Guy's house.

I was a little bit nervous. I hate using the name Guy. I want to use Frank. When I got to Frank's house, he had gone to the store and bought all sorts of snacks. Also lots of liquor. He knew I like wine, but he didn't know what kind, so he got several kinds. Plus beer and other crap. I do not know why I was so nervous, but I was.

Maybe it was because I was not used to being in a man's house. I'd been with X for 7 years, and he'd only ever been in MY house, seeing as how he never really HAD one.

Frank had even gone and picked out a bunch of movies. We settled down on his sectional, him a bit too close to me for my taste, especially when it's a damn sectional. The first movie was fine. Second movie was REALLY bad. It had Ed Norton in it, and I know I had once said I thought he was a good actor. But he isn't. He was trying to play a character a good 15 years younger than he REALLY is, and in the first scene of the movie, he's fucking some 13 y.o. character. I was completely traumatized, I must say. So Frank turned that movie off. Then he put a movie about some gross red-necked cable guy. I don't know the whole story about this character, but it was just a ridiculously brainless type of humor. You know, farts and burps and scorned fat women.

At 11:58 pm, I decided to get the hell out of there. I thought, wtf are you doing, MH?? You have to work with this guy, and I'm sensing that if you have to give him that midnight kiss, things might get complicated. Not to mention those two children he has stashed somewhere. I'm a jerk, but I just had to leave. I gave some flimsy excuse about traffic and took off. I hadn't eaten so much as a Dorito, and hadn't swallowed so much as an ounce of water. Or anything else.

So now Frank steers clear of me. Sigh.