Monday, March 26, 2007

I hate computers! I just want everything to be easy. I can't wait until computers are operated by voice command. "Put this picture in the blue box.....Bold 'motherfucker'.... Goooood.....Reply to X's email as follows: No. I don't - caps- WANT - end caps - you to come back here, I'm just fine without you. Plus there simply isn't any room around here for another person...."

Wouldn't life be so much easier for those of us who are too lazy to go back and learn what other people learned years ago? Well, that's what I've been banking on for the past 15 years.

So anyway. I am warily optimistic about the
power-sharing deal in Northern Ireland. I don't want to say anything to mess it up, so I'll just leave it at that.

Today was rather eventful. My friend with the new baby has PPD, which is the depression that sets in once a woman realizes that she is no longer pregnant and "glowing." I know that sounds sarcastic and rude, but I'm only kidding. I can't see why my friend didn't plan for this just a little bit more. She's always had OCD and has been clinically depressed more often than not. And we've been friends for over 15 years. I wonder why she didn't learn about it or wasn't told about it? Surely she would want to avoid it happening?

So things aren't as wonderful as they were a few weeks ago. But it must be so hard for her. It would be hard for me, I know that. I couldn't imagine making room in my disorganized, crowded, selfish little life for a baby. One time during a group study at the library, I don't know what we were talking about, but I said, "I'll never have kids. What do you get in return for having kids? Nothing!" I was only 19 for pete's sake. Someone said, "That's so selfish!" I agreed.

I think many times, our reasons FOR having kids are selfish. We want a little one of US or our SPOUSE running around. We want to know how it feels to give birth. We want that "bond." My brother tells me that I'll never understand until I have a child, so anything I say has no credibility. I'm sure there are things that I don't understand. Maybe if I did have kids, I would adjust and probably do my best to be a great mom, and I'd never give any of this other garbage another thought.

This is our special gift from the universe. We are able to perceive reality any way we want. I could become attached to anything, if I want. I'm attached to my cat. My brother can't stand her. It, according to him. I love my nieces and nephews. I don't have to give two craps about any one's kids, but I do. It's because I WANT to.

Of course as women, we usually spend 9 months bonding with this little being growing inside. When we give birth, we might realize that this little being has been and will be completely dependent on us for everything. That motherly instinct, I guess. Is motherly instinct or to be equal to the gentlemen, parental bond a gift or an encumbrance? If we call it an "instinct," it must mean that we have no conscious command over this feeling or thought process. Why would I knowingly allow something like that to factor into my fate? It's hard enough to get by as it is, never mind having a baby.

Tomorrow I'll be whining about not having a family or whatever.

When I think of having kids, I always remember this great book that I used to love. It was always at my Grammy's house, and somehow I got it after all of us got too large to be banished to the basement during family get-togethers. It's entitled We Were Tired of Living in a House by Liesel Moak Skorpen. The illustrations are fabulous. It's about a bunch of kids who are driving their parents CRAZY, and they get sent upstairs. So they decide to run away, and they move to all sorts of places like a forest and the sea. Then they go back home, and their parents are happy to see them.

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