Tuesday, March 20, 2007

...in which I sabotage my nutritional intake

I am such an idiot. Yesterday is a perfect example of why I stay away from malls.

I met my friend for brunch, and we had planned on going for a little bike ride. I'm a flexible gal, though, so when she mentioned that she hoped to be able to use a Talbots GC, I didn't mind the change in plans. We headed over to the nearest also the most ostentatious mall in the area. Having not set foot in a mall in MONTHS, I was awe-struck and almost rabid with greed. Even though I don't have any money, what do you think I did? And I could just kick myself. It's not that I'm sorry that I chose the items I bought; they are all things that I could in all fairness justify. If I had the money. But I don't! Why did I do that? I've never done that before. Maybe I share an element of anguish with Jean Valjean, but I have not considered that aspect of my behavior enough to make a clear connection.

The next catastrophe to befall this hero of the overworked and under-responsible was the canker sore I noticed yesterday. I know it's a canker sore, because my brother gets cold sores and he told me the difference. Plus, we all know that I'm not swapping germs with anyone else, so there's no need to freak out about the HPV1 question. If I did contract it from somebody, I strongly suspect that it was that trashy looking girl who slopped together my Gelato yesterday. I was wary of her. And for some reason, perhaps my vast scrutinous talents, I just didn't trust the spoon she stuck in my two scoops. But I did ignore that little voice, and now look what I have. But as my brother said, it's a CANKER SORE, not a COLD SORE.

Of course, I've done everything possible to inflame the damned thing and generally make myself look like I ought to be quarantined. I had some might brillian ideas late last night. First of all, the canker sore is curiously in a place that I always bite my lip if I'm stressed out. So I probably was biting it and then I went into the sun, which probably made it worse. I didn't have any lip gloss or whatever, so my whole lip just dried out. When I got home, it started to really sting. I put some triple anibiotic ointment on it. That tasted like complete dung. Then I thought, hey, this thing is really starting to swell up my whole lip. So I put this other stuff on it that I got from the dermatologist last time I had a my legs lasered. It's this stuff that's supposed to keep your skin from getting swollen or whatever. So I slathered a bunch of that on. Then I watched an episode of Star Trek Voyager, which helped a little bit.

Then I decided that my problem was that the canker sore keeps getting moist, and if it's constantly moist, how can it heal? So I put a cotton ball between my front bottom teeth and my bottom lip. I looked REALLY bad at that point. I dumped a bunch of iodine on too, because everyone knows that iodine is a cure-all for just about any ailment you can think of. By the time I went to bed, my mouth was the color of baby shit, my lip was about 12 times its normal size, and I was exhausted. Plus I had an awful taste in my mouth. My brother told me that whatever I do, don't brush my teeth with some stuff that has oh I forgot something that starts with S. I looked and of course that's all I have. I used baking soda straight from the box, so I might as well have not even bothered.

It's not as bad today. I'm trying to ignore it. Maybe I'll pout out my bottom lip all day and pretend that my WHOLE lip is swollen. It will be an interesting experience to see if big fish lips are really sexier. I've never been impressed with them, but I'm not a guy either.

But now I'm looking around my apartment, wondering if there is anything in here I can part with, and that TWO eBayers would want to fight over. I don't see anything at the moment. I have a great pair of Ann Taylor roll- up cargos that I got yesterday for a price that seemed fair at the time, and that someone might want to bid on. NWT! Sigh.

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