Friday, February 22, 2008

FOAF gets personal

The other day this sacrificial sister was exposed to the mighty lion, but I escaped unharmed due to my finely honed survival skills. I made it through the meal/set-up neither embarrassing myself, nor making myself irrestistably funny or charming or sexy. I tried extra hard to counteract Brother's projections of me as a vulnerable simpleton who cannot take care of myself by changing the subject and asking FOAF about himself.

Of course, in reality I am extremely independent and I don't need anybody's help. But that's not how it looks when your brother is sitting there spewing tales of your ineptitude and misfortunes. What a big-mouth. Also, I have zero interest in FOAF's business, as I'm sure he has no interest in my inability to hook up a dvd player.

After the meal, I met a friend for some tooling around Scottsdale. I received a call from an unfamiliar number, and naturally assuming that some old bill collector had caught up with me, I let it go to VM. Later, I found that it was FOAF! Brother had GIVEN FOAF the sacrificial sister's PERSONAL phone number without asking permission AT ALL.

Anyway, FOAF had a great time at the meal, and wanted me to know that any of my unfinished home projects would each probably only take him about 10 minutes to complete, so I could call him at..... if I need any help.

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

One Sister For Sale

... who'll start the bidding

All to benefit the aforementioned SPUS.

Brother decided that I really need to go. And get a man, that is. Nevermind that I don't bother him at all! All I ever do is listen to his constant complaining about his woman and pay proper homage to his darling brood. But that's not good enough. I feel like one of those pathetic spinsters in a Thackeray or Trollope book. Or Hardy.

Phone convo yesterday:
Bro: Guess who I talked to today?
Me: Johnny Depp.
B: Grow up. FOAF! Yeah, I told him how cute you are, what a GOOD GIRL you are, what a good wife you were to that F-er, how smart you are and how he ought to meet you.
M: Why did you go and do that? You told him I'm cute? Are you trying to set me up for failure? Yeah, I was a good wife, wasn't I?
B: So he'll meet us for breakfast tomorrow but he wants a picture of you, send me one that isn't a wedding picture. He doesn't need to see one of those.
M: Well, why does he want a picture? That sucks, there has never been a good picture of me taken! Plus, I don't really like the way that sounds. What, I don't sound good enough as it is?
B: MHy-giene, you KNOW that guys want a good looking woman first, that's just how we are, don't worry about it. Just email me a picture.
M: No. If he wants to meet me he can just meet me. I'm not some cow up for auction. Didn't he offer to supply a picture?
B: You don't need a picture. Everybody knows women don't care about looks anyway. Isn't it enough that he has lots of money?
M: No. I think he's an asshole and I don't want to meet him anyway.
B: MH. So you are trying to make me look like a jackass, is that it? Fine, I don't care, just keep your stupid cat until she dies and get twenty more for all I care, you are going to be alone for the rest of your life! Is that what you want?
M: Hey, it's not such a bad thing. I'll find someone if I'm meant to, don't worry.
B: No you won't, and I won't know what to do. Don't ask MY kids to take care of you when you are 80.
M: I won't, and they won't have any of me and Kitty's money either!'
B: Just send me a picture.
M: No, he'll come to breakfast anyway if he's a decent guy.....

FOAF called Brother a half hour before we met this morning to say something came up.

B: Eh, don't worry about wearing a tight-fitting shirt. He's not coming.
M: Good, I didn't want to see him anyway.
B: See you there.

After breakfast, B called
B: When are you going to send me a pic, he keeps calling!
M: I'm not going to.
B: What's that site you used for your wedding pictures?
M: Oh,, why?
B: Just wondering.
(smal talk for a couple minutes about his business and how wonderful this business is or whatever)

B: HA! You idiot! It's so easy to get to your pictures.
M: Don't you dare steal any of my pictures.
B: Gotta go.

B: FOAF called me. He said, "Why didn't you tell me your sister was so hot?" He's coming to breakfast next week, so you better get up early and take a shower.
M: Did you send a picture of me? You better not have. What's HE look like anyway?
B: Eh, does it matter? He has a little bit of a belly but that's no big deal, X wasn't all that great looking so you won't care.
M: YEAH I WILL! I'm not going to make myself vulnerable to someone who isn't good enough for me ever AGAIN! So if he's a dog, you will definitely look like a jackass, mmmmmkay?
B: Nope.

What am I going to do?