Thursday, June 26, 2008

The new and improved man

Thankfully, I don't have time to mess around for long with guys like Outdoorsman. Case closed.

Up next is my new favorite. I have dubbed him The Fountainhead because he looks just like Gary Cooper to me, and he is a REAL man who I think does not like to mess around either! I'm pretty sure if he saw a snake sitting there rattling at me, The Fountainhead would know how to handle the situation.

He charmed me for a few hours last night over some micro brew. I did not talk much about the prospect of this date to friends, disgusted with the lighthearted jokes at my expense. I was going to show EVERYONE that I could do a much better job setting myself up on dates than any of them can do. Outdoorsman ruined this claim and it was almost back to blind dates for me.

But then came The Fountainhead. He is the perfect specimen of a man. Today I gushed about how wonderful he is to a friend. She said, "Okay, so what did he do wrong, come on!" I couldn't think of anything. There was nothing wrong with my Fountainhead, how dare she even imply that there would be. She was shocked and actually, so am I.

I realize that it is nice to have something nice to say. But it is a shock, that's true.
The Fountainhead is HOT.
He has dreamy eyes.
He keeps his head pretty much shaved, the way I LIKE it.
He has a house and some dogs.
His hands are used for work.
He has an easy smile and most importantly
He has interesting things to say.
I know, you are probably wondering, "Huh? This great guy sounds perfect! What's he doing single and WHAT is he doing on a date with YOU, MH?"

Those are questions which must be researched more closely at a later date, but today I'm just happy he broke down and called. I bit off all of my finally feminine-looking nails wondering what he thought about my inappropriate stares and clumsy walk.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Protecting the fragile male ego

Brother says I would be doing Outdoorsman a favor by telling him everything I can't stand about him. Friends are divided between 1. none of my concern what his problems are, and 2. try to be helpful without hurting his feelings.

Damn! Do men ever spare OUR feelings? No way. They either tell us what they can't stand about us, which is usually rooted in their unrealistic expectations based on pornography and pop culture, OR they just ignore us and we have no idea why we are being rejected, which is probably best anyway due to the former reason.

Anyhow I did my best to spare Outdoorsman's feelings.
First I tried the "We are not compatible" reason. Most of the time it's not a surprise because people can usually tell if they don't share goals or interests. But no, not Outdoorsman. "How aren't we compatible? I want to change! I'm ready to move on I just don't know which direction! I KNOW you are the one, what do I have to do?"

Next I tried using an example, like his recent purchase of a motorcycle. "Well I only got it so I could go to your house more often. I'll get rid of it tomorrow. It's gone!" I attempted to dissuade him. "Well, what if there happened to be a woman out there, younger and prettier even than me who wants to ride on the back of that thing? You can't deprive yourself of that! Come on now! No, I don't want you to get rid of something you really wanted, especially if it will save money on gas. You never know where you may have to go in the future." But nothing worked.

Finally I just told him "It's ME..... bla bla bla" all sorts of trumped-up things wrong with me. That was easier for him to swallow.

But he still cried for an hour straight. Is this normal?

We've only been seeing each other a couple of months and I can't figure out how I can be someone's "woman of my dreams" or how someone can be "completely nuts" about me when he doesn't know me all that well.

In order to get him to stop carrying on, I told him we can still see each other, but I am determined to see other people and that's final.

Over my protests, Outdoorsman willingly placed himself on the back burner by saying, "I'll wait as long as it takes. Do whatever you have to do."

I feel so mean but what else was I supposed to do? I didn't have time for a suicide threat. I had to work in the morning. Part of me thinks this is just another ploy men use to get us into bed. I'll have to ask my brother about that.

Friday, June 20, 2008

I always had faith in my sarcastic nature,

and always felt that anyone who didn't understand my sense of humor was slow. Turns out I'm just more evolved. That means I can just be sympathetic rather than annoyed.

Sarcasm Seen as Evolutionary Survival Skill

By Meredith F. Small, LiveScience's Human Nature Columnist
posted: 20 June 2008 09:42 am ET

According to Dr. Rankin, if you didn’t get the sarcastic tone of the previous
sentences you must have some damage to your parahippocampal gyrus which is
located in the right
. People with dementia, or head injuries in that area, often lose the
ability to pick up on sarcasm, and so they don’t respond in a socially
appropriate ways.
Presumably, this is a pathology, which in turn suggests
that sarcasm is part of human nature and probably an evolutionarily good thing.
How might something so, well, sarcastic as sarcasm, be part of the human
social toolbox?
Evolutionary biologists claim that sociality is what has
made humans such a successful species. We are masters at what anthropologists
and others call "social intelligence." We recognize and keep track of hundreds
of relationships, and we easily distinguish between enemies and friends.

Great article! I'm going to hand that to my boss next time I get a talking to about "how" I say things.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

The Chicken and I

The other night, I was lounging on the Outdoorsman's back patio while he attempted to educate me on the finer points of dog training. The dogs were getting exasperated, but I was relieved that he had something to do besides brag about hanging off a cliff in some obscure mountain range all those years ago. During a rare quiet moment, I heard an unusual sound. It was familiar, but then again I couldn't place it.

I asked the Outdoorsman if he had a water leak in the sprinkler system because I could hear a strange noise. I put my hand down to the sprinkler head, and as I did, Outdoorsman decided to take control of the situation by sticking his own head to get a good look. Then he spotted the source of the noise, which was not the sprinkler head but was coiled up right next to the sprinkler head. Luckily I had retracted my hand by the time he FREAKED out and jumped back, screaming, "OHMYGOD it's a FUCKINGSNAKE! A SNAAAAAKE! A SNAAAAKE!" I was still sitting on the chair next to the snake, who was a baby rattler. I said, "Hey calm down, I'm sitting right next to him. Judas, just get the dogs inside and I'll follow you all."

So first the Outdoorsman saved himself and HIS dog, grabbing her roughly and dragging her into the house. She would have willingly gone inside had he simply held on to her while directing her to go, but whatever. Then it was up to me to take care of my own two dogs who don't listen to a damn thing I ever say. Luckily, I was blessed with a tad bit more common sense than the Outdoorsman. I calmly maneuvered the three of us away from the baby snake, who by this time had lowered his head somewhat and was glibly staring us down in triumph.

Outdoorsman dialed 911 and whined that his dog uses a doggy door so somebody needs to come out and get this RATTLE SNAKE! Sigh. For some reason, the operator declined to send out the fire department. Instead, Outdoorsman was given the number of some rattle snake removal service. Upon their answer, he started in again with his whining. They told him they'd be glad to come out, but he would have to assure them that he had the snake cornered or at least in his sight. They weren't going to look around all night for the snake. So Outdoorsman got on some headgear flashlight thing that he must use for all of his adventuresome cave explorations.
I told him that I would be happy to help search for the snake. "Ooooh no, you're staying in here. Calm these guys down." I stood up. "Listen, these guys will be calm if WE are calm. If you are acting a fool, it scares them and nobody will be able to help them. So give me a flashlight and let's get this taken care of." He got me another stupid head thingy and out the door he went. I followed, making sure the dogs--- "Hey, I said DON'T let those DOGS OUT!"

The fucker yelled at me! Even X never yelled at me. I don't think I've ever been yelled at by someone I was dating. I looked at him blankly, for by the time he finished his hysterically barked order, the door was shut.

My "flashlight" didn't work. There was no sign of the snake anyway. He had probably had enough of the Outdoorsman's craziness. Smart snake.

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Step One: Accept that A man is better than NO man?

Speaking with a friend about Outdoorsman, I was called to task for judging the man so harshly. According to new information, men do not mature by any means other than force. So Outdoorsman, having never been married or sired children, doesn't have any reason to have matured. I guess it would be up to me to force ANOTHER man to grow up. But it didn't work last time, why would I expect it to work on this one?

Brother's opinion is that as long as Outdoorsman isn't a felon and doesn't have to pay over $1,000 per month in child support, I better sharpen those hooks because apparently time runs short for me. Plus he doesn't want to help move stuff around in my garage this summer.

Outdoorsman IS a nice guy in many ways.

I have personally witnessed him conjure quiet tears three times in the past month(I suspected that he was fishing for physical contact so now I am always sure to keep tissues handy).

When not bragging about his 15 year-old adventures, he showers me with compliments (This immediately puts me on my guard since I've rarely met a man who wants to spend every waking minute with a woman, and never dated any who had anything nice to say).

I can't stand the smileyface texts he sends, but then again does that mean I can be goofy without getting shot down? Hmmmm.

He HAS paid for 4 out of our five dates, and made dinner once. I had to pay for gas to drive cleeeear over to his side of town but that didn't matter to me since I don't like men knowing where I live until I'm good and ready to tell them. Of course, the date that I DID offer to pay for, do you think he considered my ailing bank account at ALL? Nah! He ordered TWO beers and let me tell you, this wasn't Chili's we were at. Think Vegas pricing and you'll understand my resentment. No matter, I'm not paying again because I have a mortgage to pay for and I don't have a freaking roommate.

Outdoorsman and I also share a few common character traits:
We can't stand people who litter and we are obnoxious in our complaining.
We can't stand people who park too close to our POS cars and we are obnoxious in our complaining.
We can't stand people whose noise bothers their neighbors and we are obnoxious in our complaing. Maybe be both have a death wish, expressing our ArchieBunker sides while living in this city.
We LOVE our dogs. He may be more of a dog lover than me. When not showering me with compliments after he gets tired of bragging about his non-lazy days of yore, he talks about how CUTE his dog is. And the dog is a happy dog.