In Limbo But Still Living!

You know, there is no reason to stop trying to live a quality life just because I'm losing my house. I don't mean going to the movies, either. I never do that anyway. I mean enjoying life.

My pets, my friends, my family, the city and the job are still the same. It's important to remember the wonderful other things in my world because a house is just a house. It's a roof. I love the house, but I loved my ex husband too and now it's better that he's in another state.

Life will be EASIER when this chapter is closed. There will be some flexibility in my career, and maybe when the economy recovers I won't be desperate to be the BEST employee for THIS organization and I'll be interested in looking for something more challenging! I'm ready to face my forties. I'm going to be 37 this year and I still don't know what a woman in her THIRTIES acts like! I need to get with the program.

More of the same

Lately I have been preoccupied with my looming adjustment in housing, but along with that comes the presumed end of this relationship I've had with dear old Heracles.

Over the past year, my c.r. e dit s. core has been spoiled as a result of my missed mortgage payments. Even though that's the only aspect of the stupid credit report that drags the number down, it has been devastating to it. I don't even care because I see people survive without "credit" every day. The privileged class sees none of this, and they liken a person's credit record to their criminal record. In fact it seems to replace a criminal record in their estimation of a person's worth. That's because lots of people engage in driving while drunk, beating their wives and kids, and cheating/stealing from others. None of this has a damn thing to do with credit score, so if you have the money to pay your fines and you won't lose your job for a week in jail, you are still able to maintain that status of solid citizenry.

Hercules belongs in the group almost perfectly self-entitled to judge the rest of us. He is honest, law-abiding with sparkling credit and probably had sparkling SAT scores. Me, notsomuch. I am not a genius and obviously I am a crooked debtor. And when Heracles finds out about this situation, he will be disappointed and repulsed.

I have debated with myself about how I ought to handle this problem. Should I dump him first so he CAN'T? Should I beg him to love me despite my felonious credit behavior? Should I be straight up honest with him and tell him taht I expect his FULL emotional support? None of these seem to be realistic options, because the truth is, our relationship will end the day he finds out that I am losing my house. It won't matter what I do.

You know you've led a shitty ass life when...

After your "private" funeral, Nikki Hilton and Bijou Phillips find your pets at Tila Tequila's house

Project Walk Away, 2010 : Fall-out predictions

In 2010, the occupants of this house will move. I am in the process of making a list of bottom line requirements for a long-term residence. The ideal place will be quiet, secure and clean. Not such a simple proposition, in this particular town!

In 2010, I will turn 37. This unremarkable milestone may go down as the year I trolled bars looking for sex, not because I like sex, but because I am nearing menopause. I can tell. My body is changing. Okay, I'm not brave enough to have sex with strange men, I'm a nerd of the first sort. So this year will more likely go down as the year I accepted my destiny as a childless woman. This year, I will probably begin to yearn for a yard again, so I can yell at any little kids who manage to steer their bikes off the sidewalk onto my pristine green turf. Ah, what wonders the future holds!

In 2010, Heracles will dump me. He wasn't serious about this relationship anyway, he considers himself much too exquisite to entangle himself in emotional connections with females. Unmarried females try to rob men of their cherished sperm. One must always be on his watch. Heracles is smart, because I would have been guilty of doing just that, except I've always been too scared to have kids without a good man around who I knew wanted them with me. Who wants to go through all that only to have some little bastard blaming YOU for all their problems. No thanks. But if I WEREN'T so scared, Heracles would be right on, I have to admit. Anyway, Heracles is also a paranoid mess and has a grave mistrust of anyone who commits such a felonious act such as ruining their credit. So when Heracles finds out that I have to move because my house is getting foreclosed, he will be forced to distance himself from this sleazy ho.

In 2010, I will learn the true value of independence. I have been independent most of my life, but I never saw the value in it. I have always wanted a good man around. To my disappointment, I never found one. I probably don't know what to look for anyway. So this year, I am going to LEARN how NICE it is to be a WOMAN who does not NEED a man around for anything. I will not have a house with all sorts of maintenance issues that are mysterious and complicated. I will make sure I have a LIFE that I alone can manage by myself!

In 2010, I will simplify my life for the very first time. I will liquidate every tangible item in my possession which I don't USE. I will sell it or donate it or give it all away.

By the end of 2010, I will be able to pay my bills and for once, I will be able to save money.

I will face my forties alone and most importantly, I will face them content.

No choice but to walk

Here is the situation right now.

I owe over $170,000 on this house, which is worth less than $80,000. A foreclosure on my street with the same floor plan as this house recently sold for $76,000, and THAT property had been updated. My house has never been updated.

Yeah, I'm underwater. But when I started having trouble making the payment, I tried to get the loan modified, and I was willing to honor the whole amount, if they would extend the life of the loan in order for me to be able to afford the payment. That did not work. The mortgage company "approved" a modification in which the principle of the loan was raised (due to late fees and god knows what other charges) by almost $5,000 and my monthly payment actually increased! I spoke with them the other day and I was told that we will need to wait a year in order for them to revisit the subject of modification.

So here I am, savings are gone. Already got a loan on the 401k. Cannot get a roommate. House is starting to fall apart. I feel bad, but I have no options left. A collector called today. He suggested a short sale. "Why?" was my question. Well, he said, it might save your credit, you can put this behind you, bla bla bla. Plus, as it gets closer to foreclosure, they may be able to explore more ways of settling the debt. I reminded him that as far as anybody knew last week, the only way we have is for me to simply pay the mortgage on time every month, and if I can't do that, they will have to "send it to the attorneys." He had no response other than that he was sorry this was happening. I told him that I am too.

So, looks like my dream is starting to become my nightmare. All I wanted was my own home, and I was so happy when I "bought" it. I have learned many things about myself these past couple years, and I'm not proud that I don't know anything about managing too much debt. I am not proud that I bought a house that I simply can't afford.

And nobody else can afford it either. What really kills me is that if I had waited for six months, this house would have been $30,000 less at least, I would have had more money to put down on it too. And the payment would be manageable. But I guess thinking about that isn't going to do me any good.

Thank GOD I live in Arizona right now, along with so many other people who paid too much. Because right now they can't go after me for "deficiency" which is the difference between the amount I owe and the amount they ultimately receive, I think... All I have to do is make sure that the house has not been neglected and all of the appliances it came with are still here when they kick me out. I'll definitely have no problem with all of that, since I won't have a mortgage for the next couple months. I'll be able to afford to fix these things I should have fixed a LONG time ago. And I will. And I know that whoever is lucky enough to get my house will be really happy here if they keep the kitchen tile intact but update EVERYTHING else!