Tuesday, June 30, 2009

The Great Divide

I have lived in this house for almost two years. During that time, the only internet available to me was via unsanctioned usage at work. Every few months we all receive the old email about how terrible it is to use the internet for purposes other than those related to the job. I have been fairly prudent. I never saw any of that "leave Britney alone" nonsense, although I followed the saga via TMZ daily. Is TMZ a blog? I can't tell. I hope not. I'm not supposed to be visiting blogs. So naturally I stayed away from my own, although I did ache to mention what was going on .

What was going on? We have Heracles. Well, we had him. We lost him. He moved to a nice, very lucrative city far away from here. He had already committed to the transfer before we met. Stupidly I know, I did not stop myself from falling for him even though I knew very well that he was moving in a year.

A 36 Y.O. woman must be totally out of her mind for choosing to put herself through such an exercise, but I did it. He told me a few weeks ago that he "would be willing to give it a try" long distance.

How the hell, I ask, how the HELL am I going to get myself MARRIED and YES Heracles, PREGNANT when we live 2,000 miles away from one another? Oh, me, oh me, oh ME! I can answer that! I'm NOT. So when I dropped the gentleman off at the airport this morning I gave him a disinterested roll of the eye, wary of his last-minute attention to the subject of our ambiguous relationship when he looked dead at me and said, "I'll probably be back for a day or two in a month." My man.

Then he texted me all day long while I tried to contain my despair since like everyone else around here I can get RIFed at the slightest whim of my supervisor. "Wow, that was a terrible flight. Smelly people everywhere." I give a fuck? Well he's Heracles isn't he? Shouldn't I?

He was everything I was looking for, I thought. Great career. Darling to behold. Entertainingly neurotic and selfish. How cute. Opposite of X except for ONE little detail. I do not factor into the list of top priorities. As a woman conscious of her true value, I didn't presume to come in anywhere near first but golly gee damn I sure wish I would have figured in closeby. I have been a stupid cow and I know it. Will I ever let it happen again? Probably because have you ever met a stupid cow who learned her lesson? Hells no. We don't learn anything. We just make this magic happen over and over again and honestly it is in no way the man's fault. We stupid cows train them to think the way they do.

So that's the latest. I truly hope I can get over Heracles quickly because for someone who would dearly love a family, I can't seem to find a partner with whom to start one. I guess I never will.