Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Well, well, well.

My love, who has been too good for me these few ambiguous years, is facing a separation. Not from me, silly. His job. His contract is ending, and he has no prospects. Because I'm truly not as vindictive as I'd like to be, I soothed his fears that he would be left without health insurance.

I offered to add him to my health coverage as my domestic partner. After all, my gay friends are doing it. Yesterday offered an opportunity to discuss my options with my health coverage provider, as a representative appeared to make a presentation about my employer's NEW and EXCITING HIGH DEDUCTIBLE plan. Whaaaaaatev. I've learned that if my employer wants me to sign on for something, I better not even consider it. But I did ask which would be the best plan for me if I were to add my domestic partner to my coverage. Insurance guy looked at me as if I had suddenly been plucked out of Emerald City and thrown under Aunty Em's House. "I don't understand what you mean. You mean a spouse?"

"Sort of. Living together situation."
"No, that's not covered. You have to be lawfully married."
"Common law."
"Still has to be documented by shared accounts and a magistrate must sign off."
hmmmmmm. Is a shared Costco membership good enough?

"What's the magistrate sign?"
"Frankly, I wouldn't know. We just don't cover people when they only live together. They have to be lawfully married, according to the policy."
"Can you show me the policy?"
"I'd be happy to email it to you later on today."

And he did.
Rats, I thought. Heracles will be so worried when he finds out that he can't get some health coverage from me.

But theeeeeen I started wondering if this might be enough to push a man over the edge. As we all know, health benefits are a necessity! Obama hasn't been able to get all of us free health care yet, so if Heracles pulls a muscle or gets a concussion on his lovely brain, what will he do?

He'll pay full damn price, that's what he'll do.

But for an unlimited, time, all of this AND MORE could be HIS for the low low price of.... $26! Plus a ring of course.

I hadn't been so elated since the time I realized two pairs of spanx would allow my pants to zip without splitting apart entirely.

I explained the whole situation to Heracles, wrinkling my forehead and blinking confusedly, as if I still hardly understood it all myself. I observed, "And to think I still wouldn't be able to pass you off as my spouse if we were a lesbian couple! What is this world coming to? Lesbians are getting each other insured all over the place, but nooooo, not at Employer, because people have to be lawfully married. Almost makes me wonder if I should look for a more appropriate job for our lifestyle."

He offered some help: "Common law."
"Nope. I asked him all about that. Apparently you have to go to court for that too. It's pretty much LIKE being married. So that won't do."

I guess I could adopt him.
But honestly, If I needed a kid, I'd get myself pregnant. I'm over that phase.

Not sure what Heracles will do. Will he produce? Will he disappoint? All signs point to disappoint. He's meeting with insurance agents after work for the rest of the week.

Friday, January 6, 2012

A New Year

I do wonder why people make resolutions. This morning one of my colleagues chatted me up about her kids, her house and her fat. She voiced the quintessential resolution while she breezed through all the other things wrong or at least not perfect in her life. She wasn't saying anything that hadn't been said before, although no doubt it still meant something to her.

Later, during a meeting with the new boss, we were all favored with the boss' perspective on life. He's one of those high energy types who will not tolerate any nay-sayers or negativity. Since it's the first meeting and everything, I made an honest effort to at least look as if his 7HHEP quotes were news to me. He was trying to motivate us, so doodling and texting were out of the question.

As I listened, I'll admit it right now. My perspective shifted slightly. I decided that I really do lack motivation. I giggled at my coworker who was trying to motivate herself for god's sake! At least she gave lip service to exercising. I've been on an exercise protest ever since I realized a hot bod wasn't getting my ass married. Nor was anything else. But now, I'm starting to get motivated. I'm not 30 anymore. Something evil has happened to my poor metabolism, which has caused it to process food in such a way as to furnish me with 40 extra pounds over the last 5 years. Ew, how I want to get rid of those pounds. I am motivated to fit into my cute little tiny suits again. Well, as long as I don't have to wear them.