Tuesday, May 15, 2007

There are no single, vegan or vegetarian, employed men left.

Apparently they have all died. Did they have heart failure like Jerry Falwell? What happened? It is a mystery. Oh, that's ok, I get PLENTY of action anyway. Read on.

Today a friend and I found ourselves in a coffee shop on its first day of business AND it was giving out free frozen drinks. Of course it was packed because it had to be over 100 out there.

I asked for a soy-based drink, but they didn't have any soy milk yet. I got an americano, iced. My friend scrunched up her face as if she had something in her eye and said, "MH why don't you just get the damned regular latte, it's a damned waste of time." I know it's a waste of time. I don't care. Plus, if they don't use Silk soy milk, the kind that you have to keep in the fridge, forgetaboutit. It's going to taste like crap, so is that not punishment enough?

Just as I was about to respond, I thought I heard the word "soy" in back of us. I turned around and there were two guys standing there, one shaking his head in an "Ooooooh no" sort of way. I just shook my head and turned back around. Who CARES whether they think I'm too whatever?? Idiots. They are too young for me anyway, they just don't know it.

My friend struck up a conversation with the other guy, being the desperate harlot that she is. As we walked away with our drinks, I said, "You are not going to try to get those pimply little freaks to sit with us. There's no sense in it." Well, she didn't have to do anything because two minutes later, up they showed. Apparently the head shaker had experienced some second thoughts regarding the high-maintenance tree hugger and sat down, looking confidently at us two bitches in heat. "Where do you go?" asked the other guy to my friend. She didn't quite understand the question. I piped up because all tree huggers have loud mouths. "We are finished with high school, don't tell me we look that young." I was trying to sound friendly but only barely amused.

No, he said, it was just that he thought he knew my friend from school - college. OOOOOH right. Yeah. Well, we're a little too old for college too. How old are you guys? (cutting right to the chase.) 22 and 23. Great. She's 31 I'm 33. Need we say more????? My friend asked Don Juan what his major was. It was some business crap. Come on, that's no fun, I thought. My friend agreed. She began digging through her bag for something that she just couldn't seem to find, said "Excuse me I'll be right back" and left. Left me with the stooges who actually had the nerve to judge ME.

A few fruitless attempts were made to extend the tired conversation, but thankfully they took off in their nissan whatever it was, lowered and obnoxiously loud.

Sigh. Thanks, Lord, for this "action." Next time.... oh nevermind.

I saw a guy in the store today. I totally thought he was following me around, so I didn't look at him at all until the frozen foods. I figured that was a safe aisle to look at someone's face in, since there's always so much going on. Just by looking at him, I felt that I could tell he drinks too much and may have a temper problem too. So on I walked. Guys are easy enough to ignore. Difficult to get their attention when you want it though, so it's usually better to just ignore them until you can't any longer. There was another guy who seemed rather nice, but he didn't seem to follow me around much so he missed out there. He might have been lucky enough to enjoy some poverty tonight, but oh well. His loss, right?

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