Thursday, June 14, 2007

Same old things on my restless mind

All this thought about houses and what you have to do to get them reminds me of probably why I'm so disgruntled about not being able to work today. Today would have been my/our 5-year wedding anniversary.

I sure wish I could erase the whole ordeal from my mind. I don't want to be married to X again. But I did so much enjoy being married in many ways. If only bla bla bla, right? I realize that it wasn't a great match, NOW. Actually, neither one of us are great spouses. But I can't imagine that all the other people in the world who ARE married and making it "work" are perfect. I think about what my imperfections are, and wonder WTF is SO bad about them. I think it's unfair that they are even thought of as imperfections.

So I complain about litterers. So what. So I REFUSED to watch sexually explicit movies. Is that going to kill a guy? Really, I wouldn't have had a problem with it if he didn't find it to be such an integral part of life. I have no respect for a guy who allows his mind to be controlled by the greedy producers of pornography. Doesn't he understand that he is being USED by these companies? Well, that was X's biggest gripe. He contends that I'm just impossible for a guy to live with, due to my aversion to anything that I deem to be objectifying. I didn't start out being like that in our relationship, I just slowly starting noticing him dumbly staring at women when we were out and about. I noticed him being mesmerized during a token sex scene in a movie. But never, ever was he interested in staring dumbly at me. I probably became jealous of the cheerleaders he drooled over and looked at on the internet all the time.

Add to that his refusal to get a job, help take care of daily upkeep of the house, and complaining about how he was "meant for more" than being trapped in a non-rockstar existence, you have a ruined marriage. So I wasn't perfect.

I don't think I will ever be a good wife again. I still grow uncomfortable and a bit upset every time I see those cheerleaders X loved to ogle. I still avoid movies with sexually explicit scenes. It brings back bad memories. I don't believe it's normal for men to be preoccupied with the body parts of women other than their partners. I think it shows immaturity or a lack of respect, which is immature. So I'm impossible.

I guess I just have to accept that I'm ALWAYS going to be alone/single. I would definitely rather be alone than stuck with someone like X. Even if the guy had a job, I still wouldn't want him. It does suck being alone and not having someone to cook for and take care of and love, but it doesn't suck as much as loving someone who can't love you back.

I have friends who would disagree with that statement. One friend of mine has been unhappily (IMO) married for 12 years. Her husband is the epitome of what I would call a loser. When he is not working, he spends most of his time at one of a few bars. He holds down his job, but he ignores her most of the time. They don't do anything together. But they are married, and it's a partnership that she just doesn't want to give up. One time, I arrived at their house. We had made plans to spend the entire day shopping at a new mall. I rang the doorbell and knocked, but there was no answer. I could barely make out their forms through the glass paned door, which provided a skewed view of the back yard through the sliding glass patio door. He handed her a cup of coffee and casually placed his arm around her shoulder for a few seconds before sitting down across from her. I realized that this is enough to keep her there.

I wondered if I would have ever divorced X if he had ever touched me like that. I am not sure. Wow, your husband touching you without you touching him first? Unheard of. Oh well, I'll never know now. If I were to bet on it, I wouldn't bet that this would have stopped the wheels from turning, but it might have made them turn much more slowly.

I don't know about him, but I was happy for the most part, until I realized that he was philosophically opposed to getting a job and until he started to realize that I expected him to get a job. We owned a home that was perfect for us. We were so proud of it, too. We even had our wedding reception in our back yard. It was beautiful to us. I loved working on the yard, in the garden, in the kitchen. I loved everything about it. To say that I miss my life before would be a gross understatement.

One thing is for sure. Happiness would not have been a possibility if I had been required to be the breadwinner. I wonder why I hated being the breadwinner so much. Lots of women and men don't have a problem with it. Am I too selfish or self-centered?

I've spoken with three people this morning, all of them either close friends or family. I have not had the nerve to admit why I'm distant and agitated. I have made excuses that I'm busy so I don't have to talk to anybody. I can't wait until I go back to work.

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