No, dear reader. I have not been obsessing about or stalking Frank, who is referred to around here a little bit, admittedly. I have used him as a character to my friends who do not work with me, and yes, I have spent many hours thinking about how wonderful life would be *if* he weren't such a nerd, if he had more spine, if he had a better sense of humor, were a *tad* bit wicked (not in an unhygienic perverted way), if he were more enjoyable to be around. But alas, he is none of the above.
Around about March, Frank returned some books to me. He left them on my desk. I asked my brother what that's supposed to mean. He said, quite matter-of-factly, that Frank must have a new lady in his life. I laughed it off. Please. Nobody could put up with him. Right?
Fast Forward to several weeks ago, when Frank slyly mentioned his "friend," who he referred to as "her" and "she," leading me to suspect that he did, in fact have a lady friend. But, it's just his FRIEND, I reasoned. Otherwise he would have said, my GIRLFRIEND. Right?
Fast forward again to my birthday, which I hardly enjoy discussing, especially when I am charged with the unpleasant business of exposing one man's scheme. For weeks, I had plans with a good friend from the office (Agnes) to have dinner and a couple drinks after work that night. Day of, Frank approached me and wished me a happy day. I thanked him kindly and continued with my work, as I would be expected to do, since Frank has taken to largely ignoring poor old aging MH lately. But no, not this time. Frank said, "Have you decided where Agnes and I are going to take you for dinner tonight?" Of course I was dumbfounded. I replied that I wasn't aware that Frank wanted to come along, but he was absolutely welcome to do so, provided nobody try to "take me out." Frank chuckled. "Alright, then, we'll see you at 6:30."
Why, I wondered, was Frank suddenly being nice to me again? Did he finally forgive the New Years Eve disaster? Was he planning on introducing me to his "lady friend?" Why the hell would he invite her along? As per my new therapist's advice, I decided not to obsess about questions I couldn't possibly answer, and forgot about the whole thing.
Dinner time rolled around, and Agnes arrived. We all decided to try out a new Japanese restaurant, since Frank had already, as he put it- scoped it out- and there were "probably" some vegan selections. All I wanted was a beer, and thankfully it turns out that's exactly what I got! Over the course of our interesting dinner conversation, Agnes innocently questioned Frank about what he has been up to lately. He ho-hummed around while I sipped my beer and disinterestedly inspected the light fixture above the beer cooler. After getting nowhere, Agnes coyly said, "Oh. Frank! Oops! Didn't MH know about Erica? MH; didn't you know Frank had a girlfriend?" I smiled ever so nicely, and responded that I was happy to hear his good news. "Tell me all about her," I said, as politely as I could manage. Why not tell me? I'm only one year OLDER today, you know, one year CLOSER to barrenness and all. Just go ahead and tell me all about how you have found your perfect mate and you are planning a fall wedding because she's knocked up. Go for it.
But it turned out that Frank had news that was not so wonderful. His new love, it seemed, was not meant to be. Erica's dog peed on Frank's foot and Erica (being a psychologist) did not like his response. She thinks his communication style is all wrong.
Erica may have a point, there. And I like her dog, too.