Tuesday, September 4, 2007

"Pathetic" works on other women as well.

I have had a few hours to process the below information, and I can't figure out if I'm being FOOLED or if it's true.

Fact: I am GETTING emails from X. But they are written "to" someone else.

According to these emails:
X is GETTING laid.
Someone else is actually ENJOYING it. I'm not making this shit up.

Which leads me to the following questions:
a. Is X fucking with me, so to speak? (am I just vain as hell that he could be wasting this much effort on a game?) OR

b. Is X actually getting LAID? ... and PLEASING this person?

Possible answers to:
a: Yes. He is just playing games, he has nothing better to do, you know damn well, MH, that X couldn't score in the first place, that's why he had to find a prude like you who was so afraid of men she wouldn't know she what she was missing.

b: Yes. He actually DID find someone who he is ATTRACTED to, and YES, she is a human female specimen. Not sure what she looks like. Could be an ugly heifer but according to X, the specimen has huge jugs and entertaining nipples.

Why SHOULDN'T I be grossed out?

Either way, I'm annoyed. If he is putting on some show of a back-and-forth email chronology of their newly established sex life, it's a waste of time. But what if I'm just fooling MYSELF? What if (I do suspect that) he IS in a new relationship and both are happily satisfied?

Does that mean there is something wrong with me? It has caused me to take a long look at myself over the past few hours. Is there really something wrong with ME? Or, did X just marry someone he never was really attracted to in the first place? Because he never said any of this crap to me that he says in these emails.

What bothers me the most, and I'm only being honest about the whole thing...

..is that he NEVER ONCE acted like he was attracted to me at ALL. I thought there was something wrong with HIM, and I felt SORRY for him and loved him anyway.
..is that I supported him because he was WEAK and LAZY and I loved him anyway.
..is that I TOLD myself that the only reason he was cheating on me while I was WORKING and he was DINKING around all day at home, was that he had a low self esteem and it was HIS problem.

But wow, here it seems, X is carrying on some sort of relationship with a YOUNGER woman and "they" seem to be very happy and content in every way.

It hurts. I feel so immature and hateful, but it does hurt.

Admittedly, I will probably have a much better future than X. I have always known that I could take care of myself.
I have a career, he doesn't. I can *pay my bills.* He doesn't. I.... have Kitty?

Well. I have assured myself for the past year-and-a-half that I would get my revenge by going on with life and I'd be fulfilled while he would languish in his cesspool of sloth. But I guess I was wrong. I'm the one in the cesspool. He's going on with his life. He has found someone else. Finally.

Why didn't he just leave me alone in the first place?


NewsCat said...

You shouldn't be so hard on yourself but I understand the feeling of "god he's an asshole...why doesn't he *like* me?"

It's so paradoxical yet stupid. Why do we crave approval from people we don't even like anymore?

I don't think X is screwing with you deliberately by sending you those e-mails. It sounded like it was a mistake he never noticed. Maybe you should pick out *the* most embarrassing one and simply reply back to him.

"You've been sending me these for weeks. I don't think I was the intended target."

Let him feel all the embarassment, and trust me, he will, over realizing you've been reading what he's been writing.

mental hygiene said...

Yeah, that's probably what I ought to do because opening the emails is beginning to feel like an invasion of his privacy.

"It's so paradoxical yet stupid. Why do we crave approval from people we don't even like anymore?"

It really is stupid. It's just the ego, I guess. Maybe I was raised to seek men's approval and above all, my spouse's. The fact that I never had his approval denotes some sort of failure on my part. But logic tells me that I was actually too good for him so I have to stop letting those ridiculous ideas rule me! :o)