One Sister For Sale

... who'll start the bidding


All to benefit the aforementioned SPUS.

Brother decided that I really need to go. And get a man, that is. Nevermind that I don't bother him at all! All I ever do is listen to his constant complaining about his woman and pay proper homage to his darling brood. But that's not good enough. I feel like one of those pathetic spinsters in a Thackeray or Trollope book. Or Hardy.

Phone convo yesterday:
Bro: Guess who I talked to today?
Me: Johnny Depp.
B: Grow up. FOAF! Yeah, I told him how cute you are, what a GOOD GIRL you are, what a good wife you were to that F-er, how smart you are and how he ought to meet you.
M: Why did you go and do that? You told him I'm cute? Are you trying to set me up for failure? Yeah, I was a good wife, wasn't I?
B: So he'll meet us for breakfast tomorrow but he wants a picture of you, send me one that isn't a wedding picture. He doesn't need to see one of those.
M: Well, why does he want a picture? That sucks, there has never been a good picture of me taken! Plus, I don't really like the way that sounds. What, I don't sound good enough as it is?
B: MHy-giene, you KNOW that guys want a good looking woman first, that's just how we are, don't worry about it. Just email me a picture.
M: No. If he wants to meet me he can just meet me. I'm not some cow up for auction. Didn't he offer to supply a picture?
B: You don't need a picture. Everybody knows women don't care about looks anyway. Isn't it enough that he has lots of money?
M: No. I think he's an asshole and I don't want to meet him anyway.
B: MH. So you are trying to make me look like a jackass, is that it? Fine, I don't care, just keep your stupid cat until she dies and get twenty more for all I care, you are going to be alone for the rest of your life! Is that what you want?
M: Hey, it's not such a bad thing. I'll find someone if I'm meant to, don't worry.
B: No you won't, and I won't know what to do. Don't ask MY kids to take care of you when you are 80.
M: I won't, and they won't have any of me and Kitty's money either!'
B: Just send me a picture.
M: No, he'll come to breakfast anyway if he's a decent guy.....


FOAF called Brother a half hour before we met this morning to say something came up.

B: Eh, don't worry about wearing a tight-fitting shirt. He's not coming.
M: Good, I didn't want to see him anyway.
B: See you there.

After breakfast, B called
B: When are you going to send me a pic, he keeps calling!
M: I'm not going to.
B: What's that site you used for your wedding pictures?
M: Oh, bla.com, why?
B: Just wondering.
(smal talk for a couple minutes about his business and how wonderful this business is or whatever)

B: HA! You idiot! It's so easy to get to your pictures.
M: Don't you dare steal any of my pictures.
B: Gotta go.

(Later)
B: FOAF called me. He said, "Why didn't you tell me your sister was so hot?" He's coming to breakfast next week, so you better get up early and take a shower.
M: Did you send a picture of me? You better not have. What's HE look like anyway?
B: Eh, does it matter? He has a little bit of a belly but that's no big deal, X wasn't all that great looking so you won't care.
M: YEAH I WILL! I'm not going to make myself vulnerable to someone who isn't good enough for me ever AGAIN! So if he's a dog, you will definitely look like a jackass, mmmmmkay?
B: Nope.

What am I going to do?

good thing I don't have an ego problem

because if I did, I'd probably have to get more professional help after listening to my brother's diatribe. Sigh. He means well, I guess.

He is considering allowing a certain transaction to take place, but he is of course wary of what the ramifications may be for reasons I will list below. First, the nature of the transaction: setting MH up with a friend of a friend (FoaF). Friend thinks I'd be just PERFECT for FoaF. Friend has only met me once. Brother, being a founding member of the Society for the Prevention of Unwed Sisters, is weighing the risks:
MH might start with her "femi-nazi" crap, thereby scaring off the only prospect she had, and embarrassing Brother. I'd do my best to keep my mouth full of food, and just enjoy my $500 meal. Promise!

FoaF might not understand that MH swears constantly, and is not capable of reigning it in unless The Kids are around, and even then she is guilty of slight fuck-ups when officially dog tired from being prodded, nagged, nudged, teased and basically abused for 8 hours straight. True.. What's he trying to say?! For chrissakes, Fuck that guy if I can't even swear sometimes. Who is he to judge me? He probably swears all the time too, but just doesn't want a WOMAN who swears, isn't that right?

FoaF might be too successful for MH and her "tree hugger" habits. Successful men don't like tree huggers. They want regular women, you know the ones who "take care" of themselves. I take care of myself. Why do men act like women are disgusting vessels of venerial disease unless we follow some sort of regiment of personal "hygiene" as prescribed by MEN? They all have different expectations, usually based on what type of pornography they happen to be obsessed with at the moment. After listening to my short lecture, Brother innocently shrugged his shoulders, said I'm talking like a feminazi again and all he meant was that I ought to get a haircut and maybe wear something other than X's old Carhardt work pants. That's fair, I guess. But those pants sure are handy.

Finally, FoaF might be religious. As in born-again. Would MH offend him, thereby ruining the solid friendship Brother has built with Friend, who is also born-again? Of course I would try not to offend him, but what about his offending me? I think this relationship is doomed.

Poor brother. He is so desperate to rid himself of the burden of a single MH. Life was much easier when I was married, b/c X was very handy around the house, truth be told. He even took care of Brother's house problems, leaving Brother time to coach football and meet Friend, who fancies himself somewhat of a matchmaker.

I figured out the brutal reality of dating. The golden rule. When a woman is desperate for a man, she'll do anything to get one. Or him, if it's a particular man. But if it's just any man, she will become more desperate. He can smell the desperation, and he knows he can do whatever he wants then. Because she just wants a man. Well, my problem is I just can't allow myself to be desperate. I'd rather die alone with fifty cats than fashion myself differently in order to secure a man. I do love them and admire them for the little things they do and how they act and what they are capable of. And I dream about how wonderful life is when one is around and both of us are happy and content. But I can't deny that I don't need one. So it appears to me that since I can't become desperate, I'll never have that type of happiness. I guess it's my choice?