Thursday, June 12, 2008

The Chicken and I

The other night, I was lounging on the Outdoorsman's back patio while he attempted to educate me on the finer points of dog training. The dogs were getting exasperated, but I was relieved that he had something to do besides brag about hanging off a cliff in some obscure mountain range all those years ago. During a rare quiet moment, I heard an unusual sound. It was familiar, but then again I couldn't place it.

I asked the Outdoorsman if he had a water leak in the sprinkler system because I could hear a strange noise. I put my hand down to the sprinkler head, and as I did, Outdoorsman decided to take control of the situation by sticking his own head to get a good look. Then he spotted the source of the noise, which was not the sprinkler head but was coiled up right next to the sprinkler head. Luckily I had retracted my hand by the time he FREAKED out and jumped back, screaming, "OHMYGOD it's a FUCKINGSNAKE! A SNAAAAAKE! A SNAAAAKE!" I was still sitting on the chair next to the snake, who was a baby rattler. I said, "Hey calm down, I'm sitting right next to him. Judas, just get the dogs inside and I'll follow you all."

So first the Outdoorsman saved himself and HIS dog, grabbing her roughly and dragging her into the house. She would have willingly gone inside had he simply held on to her while directing her to go, but whatever. Then it was up to me to take care of my own two dogs who don't listen to a damn thing I ever say. Luckily, I was blessed with a tad bit more common sense than the Outdoorsman. I calmly maneuvered the three of us away from the baby snake, who by this time had lowered his head somewhat and was glibly staring us down in triumph.

Outdoorsman dialed 911 and whined that his dog uses a doggy door so somebody needs to come out and get this RATTLE SNAKE! Sigh. For some reason, the operator declined to send out the fire department. Instead, Outdoorsman was given the number of some rattle snake removal service. Upon their answer, he started in again with his whining. They told him they'd be glad to come out, but he would have to assure them that he had the snake cornered or at least in his sight. They weren't going to look around all night for the snake. So Outdoorsman got on some headgear flashlight thing that he must use for all of his adventuresome cave explorations.
I told him that I would be happy to help search for the snake. "Ooooh no, you're staying in here. Calm these guys down." I stood up. "Listen, these guys will be calm if WE are calm. If you are acting a fool, it scares them and nobody will be able to help them. So give me a flashlight and let's get this taken care of." He got me another stupid head thingy and out the door he went. I followed, making sure the dogs--- "Hey, I said DON'T let those DOGS OUT!"

The fucker yelled at me! Even X never yelled at me. I don't think I've ever been yelled at by someone I was dating. I looked at him blankly, for by the time he finished his hysterically barked order, the door was shut.

My "flashlight" didn't work. There was no sign of the snake anyway. He had probably had enough of the Outdoorsman's craziness. Smart snake.

1 comment:

NewsCat said...

In response a bit to your previous post, I think I'm developing a picture of a man with elborate sense of dating rituals, but perhaps not the best "real" personality.

This isn't to say that you can't teach an old dog new tricks, if he's willing.

However if you start to find the man's company more tedious than its worth, by all means its better to be alone than feel like you have to put up with someone you barely like.