The Art of Dodging (asking) the Question

From days of old, women have struggled with broaching the subject of marriage. Until/unless the guy antes up the proposal, the lady has to sit around wondering. Some of us nag. Others drop hints. I know someone who simply began to plan her own wedding and told her boyfriend that he better show up.

My failed marriage taught me something about myself: don't nag. X truly deserved nagging, because he responded to nothing else, and he had no intrinsic motivation to get a job. So I nagged him. It got old. Even our marriage counselor began to nag. We still exchange a "still alive?" text every year or so, and it seems that his current nag and I share the same appreciation of the concept of WORK. Plus, now she's pregnant, so now he will really get what he deserves.


Yes, as he told me just last week, he's "...going to be a daddy!" Well isn't that swell. I guess one of us was bound to reach such a chapter, only I did wish that it could have been me. After all, he never wanted kids. I never REALLY wanted them, but I can't deny that biological drive that results in true sadness when I think about my future and wonder what life would have been like with children. Then I find myself at the store, screaming kids everywhere, parents who look like zombies, conveniently using their status as undead as an excuse for ignoring the little buggers.

So that brings me to this Christmas. Herc and I have a system, so it seems. I get him crappy gifts that he doesn't want because he has everything he wants, and he gets me something I've included on my list to Santa, which I send telepathically of course. How has he known what I want? I don't know! He just does! But this year something has changed. We are living together, and I found a whole bunch of things he could use. I went kind of crazy buying stuff for him this year, and I was impressed with myself when I finally got everything wrapped and set out prominently next to the little red aluminum tree. But Herc has been struggling. He is still struggling! I marvel at his ability to ignore what he KNOWS I would like for Christmas, or just pick a day for Gods sake. Last week, he was really working undercover, dropping hints to see if I would bite. I tried to tell him not to worry, I don't really care to discuss anything related to a gift for myself. He said, "Well, the only thing is, I think you would want to be there to pick which one you want." My heart fluttered. Oh really? Well, then you just pick out whatever you want. I thought I detected some digression when he asked, "Well, just tell me some things you DON'T want. That will really help." I could help him with that. I mean, I didn't want him to think I had figured it out! I said, "Don't get me anything from Best Buy. Don't get me anything to cook with or clean with. Don't get me anything that will cost me money EVER, and of course you know better than to get me one of those stupid ereaders."

He eyed me suspiciously. "Why not an ereader? You have too many books as it is, but you love to read. Are you going to just CONTINUE to collect books?" Um, yeah. That's kind of what I do. I keep books that I like, and since I have the book cases for it, I'll continue to do so. We had already covered this subject some time ago, when my belongings arrived from Down South. "You certainly have a lot of books," I heard every freaking two minutes as we were hauling the stuff off the truck. At first I took it as some sort of complimentary observation, but when I got around to unpacking all of the books, it turned into a bona fide complaint.

So the mystery was solved. Even though he knew for a fact that I would never USE it, he was planning on getting me an ereader. Bleh. I told him not to bother, for the last time, don't bother. I said, "Why in the world would you expect that I would want to participate in choosing WHICH ereader?" He shrugged. "I couldn't tell if you would want color or not."
Sigh.

A move is imminent, but to where?

According to friends, I ought to be able to stay in my house for another few months at least. I'm not going anywhere until the house is sold and the new owner comes knocking, because no way am I going to let the lawn get overgrown and the windows knocked out and crack heads smoking it up in here.

I plan on saving as much money as possible. It is only this week that I have been able to catch up on my other bills, however. My car's mechanical problems and then my BANK, deliberately withholding my direct deposit paycheck for an extra day (resulting in over $500 of 'nsf' charges) has caused an avalanche of financial roadblocks. A few weeks ago, I set it up through online billpay for my bills to be taken care of on Friday. I get paid on Thursday. Well, my BANK's software saw an opportunity! How about we hold the check for one extra day before releasing it into the account???? That way we can charge 12 nsf fees PLUS some other charges, the nature of which still confuses me. At $38 each, that really hurt. I called the bank but they were uncooperative, sort of like, "we have you by the balls, and we LIKE it."

But today I am finally back to where I should have been. It is all about saving money from here on out and that makes me feel much better. By the time I need to move, I'll be able to get a nice place. If I don't get laid off, which is always a possibility.

On the Heracles front, we have had some developments. Heracles has no idea that I'm losing my house. First of all, it isn't any of his business. Second of all, and the REAL truth, is that I'm just ashamed and I think he'll dump me as soon as he finds out. Gradually, that fear has faded because we don't seem to have much of a relationship anyhow. We do live a couple thousand miles from each other... so how much is there to lose?

But Heracles had a job interview in another state. He isn't like me. Because of his intelligence, skills, imagination, education, credentials and general BRILLIANCE and PERFECTION, he is one of those rare people who will call the shots even though he is technically the interviewee. He decided that he might take this job, which happens to be in yet a third state.

And that's apparently where I come in. Heracles thinks I ought to move there too. He doesn't understand that I am not in a position to look for jobs anywhere. I would love to move somewhere to be near Heracles, but it's just not possible. It isn't as if he is going to ask me to marry him, which would definitely resolve the situation for me. Of course, since I am the FEMALE, I can't go and ask HIM, now can I?

I wonder what his vision of life in this beautiful third state will be like. It is probably something like this: We have matching apartments in different complexes a couple of miles apart. We see each other four nights a week at Heracles' more comfortable (for him) apt, entertaining ourselves (Heracles) a with stupid slapstick sophomoric thirteen year old boy-humored movie, followed by a half hour of sex matching the objectifying, demeaning, boob jiggling sex in said movie. MH leaves as soon as Heracles' alarm goes off the next morning. Throw in a stress-relieving massage for Heracles every other night or so, and the picture is complete.

Here is what the reality would be: MH moves to Third State, finds a shitty apartment near Heracles' luxury apt, and struggles to find a job. Her money runs out, but Heracles doesn't know it because he would be very disappointed in MH for mishandling her money in such a way. MH finally takes an asst manager job at McDonald's and the acne sets in, rendering her even LESS attractive than before. Heracles feels relieved that he dodged that bullet a couple weeks ago when MH timidly broached the topic of marriage and a family to go with the dog he gave her for Christmas a few years back. He congratulates himself for pretending that he was very busy and didn't have time for this uncomfortable conversation. Things go downhill from there. Third State is full of HOT women! Who knew??? Time to shake off this miserable aging wretch MH, who can't seem to find a decent job and just moved to a STUDIO for fuck's sake.

So I'm thinking I won't be moving to Third State.

Do I Look Like a Nurse to You?

I am dealing with a REAL mess in Heracles, despite how entertaining his little quirks have been in the past.

Heracles is emotionally incapable of allowing himself to recover from the deadly assault on his throat aka tonsillectomy. Since my return a week ago, his pain/breathing/sleep/hunger status has dominated every single communication. I should have known it would devolve to something like this. I am not the most sympathetic of persons, granted. As far as I am concerned, if you obsess about little throat itches or snot clogs, you are wasting your time unless it prevents you from doing what you need to do. A little bit of pain and discomfort does not call for an hourly email to your SURGEON, which is the type of patient we are dealing with currently.

sigh.

My brother called me while I was out East, wondering where I was. I told him about my little patient. He said, "YOU? He wanted YOU to be there with him? Is he CRAZY?" I was hurt. I had been taking great care of him. "But MH, you aren't the most PATIENT of people. Have you told him to 'man up' yet?" I hadn't. Thereafter, I resisted the temptation because nobody is going to call MH impatient and get away with it.

But now I have just about had it. Heracles needs to get it together quit emailing his surgeon and quit texting me with 20 min updates on state of his dry throat. Drink some water and go about your day! These hundreds of self-pitying texts brought me over my texting limit to the tune of $200 this month! Dude give me a freaking break.

Heracles oh Heracles

I had lunch with a friend today and we discussed a great many important things happening in our lives.

My friend, as is typical of pretty much everyone I know, is pregnant. Unusually, this is her first. I respect her so very much because she is around my age. I do wish I were just like her, though. Somehow, she has managed to get herself married and with child within the last few years. sigh! but! I am very happy for her and no amount of envy that I may feel towards that type of situation could ever detract from how wonderful I think life can be for people, especially for those who do whatever it is that they do, and what they do is 100% perfect so that is why they are living that 100% perfect life. So I am very happy for her and I love the fact that she is living her dream. She deserves it!

I am not always sure if I ought to have kids. With my history of traumatic experiences with luck or fate, I ought to leave well enough alone. But I have to say, sometimes all I want to do is nestle myself deep inside that lovely huge lovesac and embroider and knit until I have outfitted a household ready for an army of little brilliant scientists. And little MHes.

But then sometimes I worry that there will never be another unfortunate soul of my blood, good old MH- who did not receive the greatest education, never had any sort of positive role models, and certainly doesn't have her shit together any better than anyone 15 years younger.

I can't blame my parents because emulating them was not an option, due to my unending disdain. I can only blame myself. I sometimes wonder how my life would have been different if I had made different choices in different times. But now I realize that it doesn't matter any longer anyway. Lessons are sometimes learned too late.

Luring men into fatherhood never works, but if I were younger perhaps I would be a mother right now and I wouldn't give two farts what anyone thought about it. But stupid MH. I'm always concerned with my dignity, self-respect and of course, the respect of some other fucking idiot.

Confidentially, if Heracles were dumb enough to have sex with me unprotected, I'd most happily do my damnedest to get pregnant. I would. I would nurture any child I had at this advanced age, and I wouldn't have much urge to even notify any sperm supplier, especially if he had no desire to father my children!

I wouldn't expect child support. If a man doesn't want his child, why bother with the money aspect of it? It seems so backwards to me. I would think he should pay if he WANTS access to the child. Simple supply and demand.

Oh well. I will be childless. I can handle it because I am scared of it all anyhow. Mothering human beings is one of those truly thankless careers. We, as human females, want NOTHING more than to have children and take care of them, but somehow, as in so many other ways, my intended path never stuck with the main.

And that, my dears, is why I am sitting here right now, almost finished with a bottle of barely palatable CA merlot and wondering what the fuck I'm doing here worrying about being alone the rest of my life when I have a dog and a pension.

Who are you calling a bitter old hag?

No, it's okay. I have one cat right now. She isn't as bitter as I probably am. I'm feeding a little black feral kitten right now. I am well on my way to fulfilling my destiny.

Heracles blew into town last week. We had a few blissful days entertaining ourselves and each other in this fine desert weather. We took turns filming cute little short films of Minchie being her lovely little self. We ran errands. Heracles didn't make one complaint when I dragged him all across the valley trying to score a good deal on a microwave.

When did microwaves get so damned expensive? I thought they used to be $30 or so, but clearly I was wrong. I ended up spending $48 on a reconditioned GE at BigLots, thinking I'd found a kick ass deal. But when I got it home and tried it out, it got so hot on the outside I thought something might blow up or at the very least catch on fire.

They took it back without a fuss and I didn't even have to wait in line, which really shocked the hell out of me. Then I proceeded to hit WalMart, Macy's, Sears, JCPenny's, another WalMart just in case, a pawn shop ( wtf I was thinking there I cannot even recall), Anna's Linens, Bed Bath and Beyond and finally Target. Target did not have a white microwave for less than $100, so I had to get one with a black door and stainless steel shell. Bleh. I wanted white. But it was ONLY $45 on sale and it's the best microwave I saw for less than $80 or so! It was a good buy. Plus the parking lot wasn't gross like WalMart's was. I took it home and tried it out. Miraculously the outside stays pretty lukewarm, thanks be to God.

Still, I kind of wish I would have kept my micro/oven combo unit. It was a Whirlpool Gold model. The color wasn't gold, it was white. They ought to do something about the name of that model if you ask me. Anyway, that was such a great microwave! Sigh. Oh well I'm in a much better place now. I finally purchased my perfect stove, but that is all for my other blog, where I will soon post pics.

The point here is that Heracles braved all the WalMart frustrations and my inappropriate road rage episodes all day long for close to two days. He was terribly patient and encouraging when I was distressed that even though nobody has a job and stores can't unload their merchandise, they don't bother to mark anything down! Even BigLots was overpriced! Judas!

But as it happened, Heracles was about to experience something altogether different, which was not as easy for him to navigate. It all had to do with the serious uncomfortable TALK which was utterly necessary. I just had to know what his deal was with me. Did he love me or not?

Because come on. When you get to be my age, you don't want to mess around with men who don't know what they want. Well, Heracles doesn't know what he wants. He has to think about it. I believe that might translate to mean that he doesn't want me. So it is probably time for this ol' girl to hit the dusty trail. Or bite the dust. You know what I'm talking about. Pick myself up and dust myself off?

It's cold over here on the back burner

I am in my twilight dating years, and I'm sitting around waiting for Heracles to decide what he wants to do with me.

He knows he has all the power because AS A WOMAN, can I REALLY ask him to marry me? Hell no. I wonder if I'm not the one for him, because if I were, wouldn't he have done something to make our relationship more solidified in order to maintain it? But he didn't. He didn't do anything at all. He just moved and he continues to send me texts once or twice every day.

What does that mean? I'm not a veteran texter, so I can't know.

All I know is that Heracles has never told me he loves me. He has never said anything about a future with me.

He bought me a dog for Christmas last year, but I would be a total idiot to read anything into THAT. He'd only deny it.

It reminds me of Only Angels Have Wings, in which Cary Grant's tough guy will "never ask a woman" to do anything except give him a match.

So here I am with my dog, sitting around on the back burner, and friends are already asking me if I'm interested in meeting somebody they know. If I were to tell- I mean text- Heracles tomorrow that it's all over between us, I would probably still stand a chance of finding a husband for my life. I really do need a partner. Oh, and my brother told me that his attorney asked, "Hey man is your sister single?" Ha ha. Just what I need. Another brilliant man who thinks he's the absolute shit. I went from being married to a man who refused to do anything as cheap and dirty as work, to a man whose biggest desire in life is riches, and there seems to be no happy medium. I'm looking for that happy medium. I want a hard working man who isn't lazy or stupid, but doesn't measure his worth by how many millions he has either. A simple guy who cares about his family and his home. I'd be his family and I'd share his home.

I'm tired of being alone. I really am.

You can say what you want, but I don't like it anymore. I don't want to be alone when I get old. I don't want to die in some nursing home by myself, I probably would even if I have kids because kids don't give a shit either.

I am confused. Is it worth it to give Heracles the time he may require to decide whether he wants to spend his life with me or should I just ask him point blank what his plans are? I hate to scare the poor guy off but then again he isn't being very kind by keeping me on the back burner.

The Great Divide

I have lived in this house for almost two years. During that time, the only internet available to me was via unsanctioned usage at work. Every few months we all receive the old email about how terrible it is to use the internet for purposes other than those related to the job. I have been fairly prudent. I never saw any of that "leave Britney alone" nonsense, although I followed the saga via TMZ daily. Is TMZ a blog? I can't tell. I hope not. I'm not supposed to be visiting blogs. So naturally I stayed away from my own, although I did ache to mention what was going on .

What was going on? We have Heracles. Well, we had him. We lost him. He moved to a nice, very lucrative city far away from here. He had already committed to the transfer before we met. Stupidly I know, I did not stop myself from falling for him even though I knew very well that he was moving in a year.

A 36 Y.O. woman must be totally out of her mind for choosing to put herself through such an exercise, but I did it. He told me a few weeks ago that he "would be willing to give it a try" long distance.

How the hell, I ask, how the HELL am I going to get myself MARRIED and YES Heracles, PREGNANT when we live 2,000 miles away from one another? Oh, me, oh me, oh ME! I can answer that! I'm NOT. So when I dropped the gentleman off at the airport this morning I gave him a disinterested roll of the eye, wary of his last-minute attention to the subject of our ambiguous relationship when he looked dead at me and said, "I'll probably be back for a day or two in a month." My man.

Then he texted me all day long while I tried to contain my despair since like everyone else around here I can get RIFed at the slightest whim of my supervisor. "Wow, that was a terrible flight. Smelly people everywhere." I give a fuck? Well he's Heracles isn't he? Shouldn't I?

He was everything I was looking for, I thought. Great career. Darling to behold. Entertainingly neurotic and selfish. How cute. Opposite of X except for ONE little detail. I do not factor into the list of top priorities. As a woman conscious of her true value, I didn't presume to come in anywhere near first but golly gee damn I sure wish I would have figured in closeby. I have been a stupid cow and I know it. Will I ever let it happen again? Probably because have you ever met a stupid cow who learned her lesson? Hells no. We don't learn anything. We just make this magic happen over and over again and honestly it is in no way the man's fault. We stupid cows train them to think the way they do.

So that's the latest. I truly hope I can get over Heracles quickly because for someone who would dearly love a family, I can't seem to find a partner with whom to start one. I guess I never will.

I'm on fire...

Just kidding. I figured I'd update since 10 or 12 people in the world (who don't know me but are still addicted to this soap opera) keep checking to see what I've gotten myself into.

Well, never fear. I'm still lonely and dreaming.

I have been dating someone. I call him Heracles. Is he Heracles? Use your imagination, I do!

He is intelligent and appreciates my unimpressive sense of humor, which is nothing more than sarcasm masqued as naivete.

X is still in my soul and he haunts me. Did my dreams really cause his dreams to die? Perhaps. I don't want to make that mistake again. Ever.

So with Heracles I am expecting nothing.

But someone like Heracles is too demi-perfect to expect anything less. He's Heracles, right?

Dating debacle with Heracles

Saturday night I met Heracles at a trendy restaurant/bar. We sat outside on the patio and had a great time chatting. When we parted to walk to our respective cars, he threw out a casual goodbye. I had invited him to go to a convention that I had free tickets for, and he seemed halfway interested.

Sunday rolled around, and I was caught up with some work which caused me to delay meeting at the convention. When we arrived, it was closing up. Heracles was unimpressed with my lack of planning and nonchalantly said, "See ya later MH." Yeah right, I thought.

I immediately switched gears and drove directly to a smallish new grocery store near my house. It was refreshing to discover their selection of cheap bottled wine. Knowing that I might require one within hours, I loaded my arm basket up with the cheapest of them all. My cell phone rang. On the other end was an overexcited friend, wondering how my DATE with HERACLES turned out.

I launched into a caustic impersonation of Heracles going, "Seee ya leeeeater, MH" rolling my eyes as if I were an oaf without any ability to keep my tongue in my mouth. I grumbled, "I'll never hear from THAT guy again. Next!"

I was also half-heartedly considering a bottle with a pretty label and a higher price when the chilling feeling of being watched crept up my neck. Some dude was staring at me from the end of the aisle. I turned my back, flipping my hair in concert with it and rolled my eyes again, hoping my "Move on, bucko" message transmitted properly. Dude didn't notice and walked towards me. I filled my friend in on the developments all up in the aisle here. "Keep moving, friend," I joked to her as the blurred form of Dude strolled past.

Seconds later, I heard, "MH!" I looked. It was Heracles. Incredulous, I said, "What are you doing here?" He had a bottle of apple cider vinegar and some vitamin water. "I live almost across the street from here," he said.

"Because I live just down the street."
"I am literally (?) right over there, you can practically see my window."
"Yeah. Well nice to see you. Ok!"
"Ok I better go, I have LOTS of stuff to do right now."
"Ok see ya laaaaaaater."

Horrifying. I felt like a big old biatch for sure. Did he hear me complaining and making fun of him? I was positive he did.

Later, I received an email from him apologizing for that episode and attempting to convince me that he was NOT stalking me, even though I "probably wouldn't believe" him. So, I asked, you didn't hear my conversation? Nope, but he was sorry for interrupting it.

Whew!

We made a date for next week.

Dating Fool

A single girl can possibly have her dinner paid for every night of the week if she has the wherewithal to shower twice daily. It is a time investment, but if you are poor, it can pay off.

Myself, I have too much pride to take these men for dinner ALL the time. I pay for coffee sometimes and once or twice have paid for a meal with a guy I've been out with several times.

Anyhow, let's go down the list of these guys:

Jam-Media Relations-boring, mole on his face. Cheap. Rents an apt. No manners. Shovels food in his mouth like an elephant, and messes with the lemon in his water.
Crish-engineer/pilot-perhaps has some sort of genetic defect which makes him extremely tall, but not a bad looking guy, personable, not much of a sense of humor, makes an obscene amount of money for a single guy, but is still CHEAP, athletically inclined, intelligent, naive. Kissed me on the cheek last week. Owns home, has a dog. Likes to tell stories that aren't all that funny and laughs unusually loud at them. Opens doors.
Pator-Another tall one. Same height as Crish. Works in computers. Owns home, no dog, likes to drive women out of town but I have always met him at locations. Speaks with a German accent but knows a bunch of languages. Laughs at my jokes and lets me talk all I want, apparently has no desire to say much. Probably makes slightly more than me, but according to Zillow, his house isn't worth more than mine. So there. Very much a gentleman. When we were at the coffee shop getting tea the other day, I mentioned that I like honey with it, but there was no honey. I started to get sugar instead. But within seconds, there he was with some honey. He actually went over and ASKED for it. Impressive. Also opens doors and walks me to my car.
Heracles-Sigh. Successful, tall and good looking. Not sure why he asked me out. I have been out with him only once and am in danger of seeming too eager. He is a reluctant door opener, didn't walk me to my car, so intelligent it's intimidating, not an exercise maniac thank God, and I suspect that he's just as CHEAP as Crish. Sigh. Probably won't call me. I've been gaining weight with all these meals out, but please sweet baby Jesus don't make me date an exercise maniac!
Some other guy-I think he's some type of sexual predator, so I high-tailed it out of the restaurant and hope never to see him again. ech.
Sal-Another engineer. We'll see.
Phil-Pharmacy. We'll see.

I started running again today because my gut is starting to spill out of my jeans lately.